Cuts of Hopelessness
by booksandteabags
Summary: A misunderstanding leads to things falling apart. Trigger warning for self harm/cutting.


**AN: This takes place after Todd and Neil graduate college and are living together in New York. Elliot works with Todd, and someone Todd considers a friend. Titania is their cat, which Neil gave to Todd for his birthday one year, and Todd named in honor of Neil's first ever play.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Dead Poets Society, otherwise I wouldn't be writing fanfiction.**

Neil can't believe it. He _can't_. But he has to, the proof is right in front of him. Todd didn't love him, not anymore. Todd is kissing another man _on their couch_.

"Fuck you." Neil seethes.

Neil's anger clouds his brain and propels him from the apartment. His brain is so fuzzy that he isn't aware that Todd is following him. It isn't until a hand grabs his arm that he realizes that Todd is no longer happily kissing a stranger.

"Fuck you." Neil repeats, because his anger fuzzied brain can't come up with anything else to say.

Todd shakes with anger.

"He doesn't _mean_ anything to me." Todd says.

"Oh yeah? That's not what it looked like back there."

"He threw himself at me. _Forced_ himself on me. And I-I feel dirty, and used and worthless. I _hate_ myself and I don't need you to hate me too. You should be helping me. Helping me get over the trauma I just went through. But if you're just going to yell fuck at me, than I don't _need_ you."

Neil doesn't know what to think, how to feel. Neil's mind, still foggy and unclear with anger clears with a snap as Todd's fist connects with his jaw. Todd's eyes open wide with surprise at what he just did. He bursts into tears and runs back into the apartment, which has long since been vacated by Elliot.

Todd…Todd feels hopeless. He blames himself for what Elliot did. Blames himself for Neil's reaction. Blames himself for everything. He hates himself more than he's ever hated himself before. So he does the only thing his trauma wrought brain finds logical, without even realizing what he's doing. Todd takes a razor blade out of the bathroom cabinet and places it to the inside of his wrist. He blinks a few times when he feels the cool metal on his skin. He's not completely sure how he got here, how he got to be standing in the bathroom with a razor blade pressed against his wrist. And then it hits him, he understands. The tears have stopped flowing down his cheeks, but it's still all too much, too much emotion, to many feelings to stay standing, so he sinks down to the ground, because he's not sure his legs will be able to hold him up much longer. His mind is fuzzy, and the only thing he can concentrate on is the razor blade and the pale skin of the inside of his wrist. And suddenly that pale inside of the wrist skin seems to represent every single thing that has ever made Todd feel anything less than absolutely wonderful. So Todd takes the blade to the skin, welcoming the pain of his skin splitting open, because he's convinced that if he messes up the skin he'll be messing up everything that's ever messed him up. Neil hating him should be punishment enough, but Todd feels he deserves more. More than the emotional and physical pain coursing through him. And as Todd cuts everything else seems to fall away. Todd is about to slash his wrist again when Neil storms in, fuming. Todd doesn't notice.

"What the hell?" Neil fumes, as he strides into the bathroom, gesturing to the bruise that is already starting to form on his face. And then Neil sees Todd and the anger disappears from his face almost instantly.

Todd doesn't notice Neil until the razor blade is ripped out of his hand and thrown across the bathroom floor so that it is out of Todd's reach and Neil is crouched down next to him.

"Todd." Neil says, his voice angry, strong and broken all at once. "Shit, shit, shit, shit, _shit_! Todd…no, no, no…Todd, stop, stop, stop."

"I have stopped." Todd says, his voice empty of emotion-his eyes staring fearfully.

"But, why, Todd…why? Why…why would you do something like this?" Neil asks, begging, pleading because he's desperate to understand why Todd would do something like this to himself.

Todd opens his mouth to speak, but all that comes out is a dry chocked sobbing sound. And then the tears start to make their way down Todd's cheeks. Todd leans into Neil, clutching to Neil as if that's the only thing keeping him here, sane and alive, and in a way, it is. Neil looks around from their spot on the bathroom floor, trying to find _something_ to stop the blood flowing from the cuts on Todd's wrist, but the drawer with the hand towels is on the other side of the room and there's no way Neil is detaching himself from Todd's side. Not when Todd is falling apart like this. But the blood flow needs to be stopped, so Neil moves slightly, pulls his torso away from Todd's insecurity shrunken body to get his tee shirt over his head and Todd lets out a strangled groan, almost growl like sound that breaks Neil's heart. But Neil feels like it shouldn't, because there is a part of him that is still angry. But even with the still present anger Neil can't stop himself from doing everything he can to make Todd happy, because even if Todd has done something wrong Neil still loves him.

"Todd, I just need to get my tee shirt off so that I can stop the bleeding. It's okay, it's okay, it's okay." Neil says, fumbling a little bit while pulling his tee shirt over his head because he's in such a rush to do so.

As the tee shirt comes off and gets wrapped around Todd's wrist Todd reattaches himself to Neil's side and sobs harder. Neil scoops Todd into his lap and Todd's whole being seems to shrink in Neil's arms and if Neil's heart weren't already broken from the sounds that came out of Todd's mouth earlier, it would surely be breaking now.

"Talk to me Todd." Neil says. "Explain."

"I don't know how else to punish myself." Todd says, his tone almost ashamed.

"Punish…?" Neil says, completely confused and starting to get angry again.

"For everything I did. You hate me, blame me. So do I. So I need to be punished."

"Shit Todd, I thought you stopped being stupid and hating on yourself like this years ago."

"Obviously not. I'm fucked up Neil. Fucked up enough to blame myself for being taken advantage of and violated."

"I can't…I don't know how to deal with this." Neil says, exasperated.

"Then go, leave, give us both some space to cool off."

"Fine." Neil says tartly. "But I'm not leaving the apartment, not when you could do this to yourself again."

"Yeah, okay, whatever."

"Yeah…good…okay."

Neil bangs around the apartment while Todd sloppily wraps gauze around his wrist. Todd, wrist bandaged, makes his way to the kitchen, thinking tea might help him calm him down. Neil's just leaving the kitchen as Todd walks in.

"I hid all of the sharp things, so you can't hurt yourself." Neil says before making his way down the hallway

Tears spring into Todd's eyes again. Tears roll down his face as he stands in front of the stove, waiting for the kettle to whistle. When it does, Todd makes himself a cup of tea and sinks down to the ground, not able to sit at the table where he and Neil should be eating dinner together right this very minute. He sits with his back slouched against a cupboard, staring into his tea, never sipping it. His hands are wrapped around the tea cup. The cup is a bit hot to be holding, the newly boiled water making it just the wrong side of warm. Titania wanders in and nudges her head against Todd's side. Todd turns his head slowly, smiling slightly as he sees the cat looking up at him.

"You still love me, don't you Titania? You don't care that I kissed another guy without meaning to. Course you don't, you don't understand any of this silly romance crap."

Titania meows. Todd hiccups and sniffles. He stares into the depths of his mug of tea for a long time before speaking.

"I really wish he wasn't mad at me. I didn't want Elliot to kiss me. He just did. And I was going to push him away, I was. But he overpowered me, so I closed my eyes because I thought that might make it go away. But it didn't. And then Neil was yelling at me, and he just sounded so _broken_ and I knew it was because of something I did, and I just….When I chased after him I wanted to kiss him so badly, but I…I'm so traumatized by what Elliot did that I, I don't think I'm going to be able to kiss anybody without thinking about Elliot's lips on mine for a while. And I…I_ hate_ that. I….I-I hit him Titania. I hit my one true love and now he hates me…and how the hell am I still crying? I've been crying for hours. I-I'm just a blubbering fool and now that I've managed to piss off the one guy that would ever love me I don't….nobody will ever love me again. It's all my fault. All of it. And it's tearing me up inside. And I thought…thought that maybe, if I cut myself it would help. But it didn't.….I feel so cold Titania. So cold."

"Drink the tea, it'll help." Neil's voice comes softly from the doorway.

Todd takes a deep breath, and takes a sip of tea. He keeps looking at it as he speaks, unable to look at the figure in the doorway. "It's cold."

"I…I'll reheat it."

Todd places his mug of now cold tea in Neil's hand, which Neil places on the counter. Neil is about to start the water boiling when Todd reaches up to grab his hand.

"Screw tea. I….I just want you to hold me."

Neil nods, sinks down onto the floor and pulls Todd to him, engulfing him in his arms.

"I thought we were giving each other space? To calm down, get our thoughts sorted out?"

"I couldn't stay away, not when I could hear you crying like that."

"Why? I thought you were mad at me."

"Because you're my one true love."

"How…how much that did you hear?" Todd asks quietly.

"All of it, I think."

"Do you…do you hate me?" His voice is even softer than before.

"…No. But you understand why I was upset, right?"

"Yeah, I know." Disappointment drips from Todd's words, his eyes downcast.

"Hey…look at me. I know what happened now, and I don't blame you at all. But, before you had a chance to explain, it was hard not to jump to conclusions."

"I know…I just….I just wish life didn't have to be this complicated."

Todd fights back a new wave of tears as he looks into Neil's eyes.

"I know Todd, I know. I wish they didn't have to suck so bad either. Tonight was one fucked up night. Neither of us are going to deny that. But after hearing you give that whole spiel to our cat I…I know that we'll get past this."

"Why would you even want to try though? I'm so screwed up that it…."

"God damn it Todd, I love you. Another guy throwing himself at you isn't going to change that. We're all screwed up, in some way. We…the two of us were lucky enough to find each other, because we manage to…."

"Manage to unscrew each other's screwiness, yeah." Todd finishes.

"I just hate it that you still think so little of yourself Todd. I…I thought I'd managed to help you move past all of that."

"You can't fix me. _I_ can't fix me. I can't be _fixed_. You can try as hard as you want, but I am always going to be messed up. And yeah, some days are better than others, but at the end of the day I'm just a human being with problems. I've accepted this a long time ago, and it's about time you accept it too. But you can't seem to do that, because deep down you still believe that one day none of this shit will affect me." Todd says, a hint of anger finding its way back into his voice.

"You want me to accept that you now cut yourself when you get really upset? I can't do that Todd, _I can't_."

"I'm not trying to say that me harming myself if okay, but…but I'd have to lie to you to say that I'll never have an urge to do this again. I know that harming myself is bad, and messed up, a sign of weakness or whatever, but tonight it seemed like I had no other choice. But, you…you make it better….everything better. I-I don't hate myself as much when you're around. All I need is you to support me. Because when I know that you have my back, the world doesn't seem so dark and scary."

"I….okay."

"What?"

"It just tears me up inside to see you like this."

"I know, Neil, I know. But this is just who I am, and you have to accept me for who I am. All of me. The good and the bad. The ugly."

"I do, Todd, I do."

There are a few moments of silence as they look into each other's eyes.

"Can…can I kiss you?" Neil asks, hopeful and doubtful all at once.

"I…I'm not ready yet. I just…I'll…."

"Imagine his lips on yours, I know. You know I'd never hurt you like that though, right?"

"I know." Todd says, pausing for a beat before continuing. "You _can_ hug me though. I'd like that, a lot."

"I think I can manage that." Neil says, engulfing Todd in a hug.

Two weeks later, two antagonizing weeks later, things have almost returned to normal. Neil still hasn't been able to kiss Todd, hasn't been able to do anything more intimate than hugging, cuddling, because anything more just makes Todd cringe, freeze up. In the past few days Todd has allowed Neil to kiss him on the cheek, so Neil knows they're making process.

Neil hums to himself as he climbs the stairs to his and Todd's apartment after work. When Neil opens the door of the apartment he is about to call out Todd's name, to let his boyfriend know he is home. But Todd is right there, standing right beside the door, smiling broadly at Neil.

"Hello." Neil says, smiling.

"Hi." Todd says breathlessly before launching himself at Neil, pressing his lips to Neil's.

Neil stiffens with surprise, but it's only a few seconds before he's kissing Todd back.


End file.
